Disillusionment
A short essay by Jacque Aye
Hi Friends <3 A while back the incredibly talented and stylish Jacque Aye posted a note expressing the want to write for other people’s substacks and I gladly opened Mad Girl Manifesting to her words. If you don’t know who Jacque is, please check out her instagram as well as her substack.
Jacque writes an online diary focusing on sharing her feelings, her fashion, and her book updates. I’ve always looked up to her and credit her for inspiring me to join Substack and blog publicly.
So please take the time to read what she wrote for Mad Girl Manifesting below.
I searched through old files, hoping for a spark of inspiration from a younger me.
I’d been trudging through life, head hanging, sighing more than I breathed. Disillusionment is what they call it, I think. And I’d been disillusioned for quite some time. I’d resigned to my fate of never being traditionally partnered. Never fitting into corporate structures. Probably never buying a house or living as a fully functioning Adult™. But there was still a nagging something that made me feel like there was more to life than…well, this. So I thought, maybe a bright-eyed, more naive me could give this old cynic some optimism. I went digging through my documents, and I found a folder within a folder labeled “diary”. When I clicked it open, I was horrified by what I saw.
File Name: 6/26/2017
How I’ve been feeling:
Generally: Lately, I’ve been feeling empty. Like a walking shell of a person, floating through life aimlessly with the occasional spark of recklessness just to feel alive. I’ve been shirking my responsibilities and not setting or achieving any goals. I’ve been isolating myself and not being brave enough to meet new people or foster meaningful relationships. I don’t cook, don’t work out, I barely eat, and I’ve been drinking too much.
Nothing had changed. Eight years of feeling lonely, alien, and aimless. Eight years of not working out or prioritizing my health. At least I’d stopped drinking. But that’s beside the point. After reading through my woes, I came to a conclusion. If I will always be apathetic at best or woeful at worst…then I might as well be the best sad, sullen person I could be.
Sitting in nature, sighing, typing out my little thoughts. Writing poetry and dark, strange little books. Sharing my thoughts on my blog. My little corner of the internet. Even sharing on the larger corner of the internet, because…who cares? Yes, put me on a billboard and tell everyone that I sulk in my room. Because I do.
I will be the poet my emotions call me to be. The storyteller connecting my woes and my words to others. That’s what I was meant for.
As I prepare for the new moon on Wednesday, tonight and tomorrow are great times to contemplate how I can step into the new cycle with a different perspective. I absolutely love the idea of transmuting our emotions into art, stories or other creations, and Jacque does just that with her Diary Of A Sad Black Girl (here on substack) and in the incredibly unique books she writes (which you can check out here). The feeling of being disappointed in one’s self is harsh, (and totally relatable) but thank you Jacque for showing how we can channel our deepest emotions into creativity.
I have definitely found that transmuting my feelings into poems and books is therapeutic in a way, and can’t wait to continue doing it.
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